A Few Favors

So here we are: A major life event has passed and you're left to carry on and get back to life. But you're missing something. How are you supposed to pick it all up and move on when “something” is clearly not there?

In December of 2023, I lost my father in the blink of an eye. For years, we had always bonded over food, whether it be sharing what we had ordered out at a restaurant or made at home. Recipes were reciprocated (but usually not followed) and countless food pics were sent back and forth. Everyone knew that whatever made it onto a plate in front of me usually had to be photographed before taking that first bite! So what happens to that passion for food?

Throughout the past year, I had continued to document my eats, but the pics just sit around unshared. With every well-plated masterpiece came the same “I need to show this to….. Eh. Nevermind.” I fully understand that I could send my thoughts and images to just about anybody else, but it doesn't quite have the same sense of purpose.

A week before Thanksgiving, I had a heavy, gut-punching realization: I'll be doing all the cooking. Without him. for as long as I can remember, this was HIS holiday. He LOVED to cook, so this was his chance to do what he did best! Every year, he would spend weeks researching recipes, testing different techniques, and meticulously documenting time schedules for that one day of feasting. 

As we approached the big day, anxiety set in along with a heap of self-doubt. It manifested with two silly words: What if?

-What if the turkey isn't defrosted in time?

-What if the turkey is too dry?

-What if the food isn't good?

-What if I fail?

I've been cooking since I was in middle school, and have certainly had my fair share of inedible meals. However, when I settled down and thought about the root of this anxiety, I was simply afraid of not hitting his mark. He set the bar pretty high. While I'm sure the food will turn out just fine, but the fear of letting my family down was heavy.

After it was all said and done and the tryptophan settled, it was a solid success and all was fine. I had a quick heart-to-heart with my mother and told her that I just wanted him to tell me how great I did. I had been told how great it was by all in attendance, but that was simply not the Droid I was looking for.

While I appreciated the kudos and compliments, there was that one person I really craved that approval from. In my heart. I know he's proud and appreciates the carrying of the torch, so to speak. 

So while trudging through life, do yourself a few favors: 

Be kind (especially with yourself).

Be confident (in what you do). 

Share your feelings (be honest with yourself). 

Celebrate your wins.

You only fail if you don't learn a lesson.